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let's chase the summer and forget the world.

a sign of how super long i havent logged into blogger and post something - i cant even recognise the interface now and it has probably changed a gazillion times since the last time i logged in :p suddenly feel like i have been less contented and less able to count my blessings these few years, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY but it's so damn irritating when you keep getting the feeling that your life can be so much better than this right now? does anyone know that feeling? yeah.. i have been getting this feeling i think for years (regarding uni, relationship mostly) and it just feels like i know if i do something, my life can be so much better. but the crux is i dont know exactly what the hell is that something and for fear of doing something that is not THAT something and the possibility that it might screw up my life instead of improving it, is stopping me from doing anything, cause well status quo aint the best but it aint the worst either.
was reading a blog i surfed from online (the thing i love to do most- nuaing around and clicking around on my iphone) and i thought, maybe writing a blog and keeping track of my life will help me to remember my life events in a systematic manner and help me to remember the good stuff that has happened, so i will always rmb i am blessed and i will always rmb to count my blessings. soooo, here am i, back here. lol.
feeling kinda messed up a little inside these days, i have no idea where inside myself or my heart do i search for how i feel anymore. where is the part of yourself where you feel? i have been trying my usual way but the feelings i get nowadays seem to be very vague, and ... ambiguous and not specific. VERY MIXED UP. sometimes im happy but the happiness never seems to be 100%. there's always a part of me which is worried, scared, upset and there's another part which seems blocked. like no matter how i try i can never enter that compartment and understand how it feels. so, very fked up. lol. this feeling is damn sian.
okay confession why i havent been blogging, (suddenly talking abt this cos i think using "sian" to describe my feeling above is a sign of the substandard standard (?) of my current state of english. sigh) i think being in a science course and not having the need to write any essays/critique any sort of AQ or whatever paragraph/passage we used to need to do for a good part of our lives, has made me feel like i have lost the touch to write down and record down and most importantly, express what i want to say. this feeling sucks, as well.
seems like the main problem with me is 1) my heart does not know how to express how it feels to the part of me which thinks about my feelings aka my brain, and 2) my brain does not know how to translate what i think to the other part of my brain which processes these thoughts into words. basically, this really sucks. hahahahahaha.
i hope i'll be back soon (: PS: anyways, if ANYONE still checks back (idk why are you doing so but hahaha thanks) please do a shoutout at the chatbox at the side to let me know please? and also if you can, discuss with me what are your thoughts towards my mixed up thoughts above and if im weird like im the only one who feels this way or does anyone else ever feel the same. will help in my self-understanding, hopefully (: I MUST GET SOME SELF-HELP BOOKS FOR A START, SERIOUSLY!!!